He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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