My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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