I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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