she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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