My room smells like vodka and shame
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize