You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
