he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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