im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
