Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
