Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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