i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
