True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
