Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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