yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
