2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
