just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
