i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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