the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
