there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
