By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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