I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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