Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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