I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
