I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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