Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
