Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
