i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
