my room smells like sperm. sweet.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
sarcasm needs its own font
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
