I cannot find my penis.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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