It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
