Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
