Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
