Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
