Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
