OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
