I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
