Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
