Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
