I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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