i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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