theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize