are you still at the devil's house?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
There's even glitter on my cock...
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