I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
