At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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