Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
