Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
