Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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