Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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