i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
