my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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