do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
