I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
