look no pants
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
