Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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