Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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