i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
