I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
