His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
